Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
