I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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