a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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