Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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