I wish I could punch you in the face.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
