If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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