I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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