Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
