Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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