dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
