**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
