oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
