all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
