If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
