The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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