She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
