We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
