he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
