I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
