I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
