I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
