the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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