I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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