I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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