I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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