Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
