so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
