how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The air was thick with penises
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
