Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just had sex on a roof
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
