I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
