my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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