I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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