just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
