You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
