Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
