Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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