i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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