We named our party play list daddy issues
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
