I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
