I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
