K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
