I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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