just tell him i said nine months
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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