My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
