I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
