Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
