you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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