I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
