i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
she pinky promised me she was 18
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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