I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
